Thursday, October 27, 2016

Oh, Yeah, Put Some Lipstick On That Pig! Or: The Lessons Of Meddling - by Michael Novakhov

С Председателем Правительства Дмитрием Медведевым.

V. Putin looks really very unhappy, sad and angry these days: his bromance buddy Trump is in trouble. The game is almost over, and there are no other trump cards are left, unless he pulls off some extraordinary stunt, like leaking the tons of hydrochloric acid from the sabotaged fire hydrants around Trump Tower and all over Manhattan.

We have learned from some confidential sources about the recent, urgent, and secret meeting in the Kremlin. This information was confirmed by the obtained videotape which showed the two persons who looked amazingly like Putin and Medvedev. But since we cannot be completely sure about it, we will call them simply "Vovchik" and "Dima".

First, there were some sounds of loud music and broken glass, and then, after some arguments, the pair started reviewing their own videotape. The picture wasn't very clear, but one of the voices sounded amazingly similar to Mr. Trump's, and the other was a raspy and stuttering female voice, to which the first one referred to as "Mother Russia".

Here is the transcript:

Trump: "Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing!" 

Mother Russia responds: "O.K., sonny, I've heard you; we'll do. We will do anything to get you elected, the whole world knows this. Don't you ever doubt me, my boy, yeah! Didn't I find a good new wife for you? And don't you worry about the costs either, we will put them on your credit account, you can pay it back later, at our convenience... Because you are my kind!"

Trump, making some strange movements, like pulling on  something which looked amazingly like some piece of pinky "pussy bow", and murmuring pensively: "Finally! I have nothing to lose except my capitalist GOP shackles! This is my last and the most decisive battle! The Oligarchs of the World, unite! Putin, if you hear me, leak, leak, leak! Leak more! Right on their heads! And keep whispering your sweet Melania somethings into my ears at night, just like this one, my favorite mantra: "Oh, wouldn't it be nice to get along with Russia, Trumpik?" I feel like the two of them, Vladimir and Melania have merged into The One. It's so erotic, I have no need to grab pussies no more..."

And then we hear the heated discussion between those two who looked amazingly like the Kremlin pair. 

"What a moron! Did you hear that?", Vovchik raged. "That capitalistic zhlob could not even put in some extra $100M of his own money into his campaign, as he promised. He wants to get it on a cheap, counting on my help and my money, and where would I get them, I'm broke! The banks are almost bust, all those greedy oligarchs fled to London, and I can't even lend him anything, everyone would see it, they screened all my panamas with their fat-cat-scans. I'm as transparent as this shard of glass from a broken vodka bottle! Those amateurs, I will never sit down at the table to play with them again! He is not a trump, he is a shestyorka! He is not an oligarch, he is just an imposter! Why did I call him "bright and talented"? I should've said that he is a stupid, bigoted, crass, half-demented, arrogant jackass, that he really is. That's how I would get him elected!"

 "Well, let us wane a bit philosophical, Dima tried to calm him down. "We have to deal the hand we've got. It's not our fault. That megalomaniac Assange over-leaked, as if he had some wiki-incontinence. We should have given him a different medication. All those Aussies are so over-shirtfronted, just like their kangaroos, stuffing themselves up with our extra megabytes. No finesse, no discretion."

"And whose idea was it in a first place?" Vovchik continued to rage. "Couldn't our idiots-snoops find someone more suitable?! What to do now? Hillary will kill me now, she is a very vindictive woman."

"Don't worry", Dima said. "I will talk her out of it. I know how to talk to people. We'll give them something, like the drilling rights in the Red Square. They dug those holes there with their crazy mini-drones all over the place anyway, and claim that it is to open the new channels of communication. We'll open our own new channels too."

"Come on", Vovchik said. "You've talked to Obama, and then called him stupid, that's what set him off. He is a very sensitive guy, just doesn't show it. He doesn't forget these things easily, just pretends to. No, we need a big strategic pivot."

Dima: "All right, then we'll try something else, like a joint expedition to Mars, for example. Sounds nice: "Russians and Americans are conquering the planet of war in search for peace!"

"Bullshit!", Vovchik said. "The Europeans just crashed there. If this one crashes too, they will say, it's a bad omen, and now they will go to war. You just love your castles, especially in the air. Stay closer to the subject, think Trump and Hillary, find a solution. Do a brainstorm, just close that window, so it wouldn't leak out."

Dima: "We can always send our double, replace Trump, and manage our guy by microwaves from the embassy. This way we'll have a direct control, and our Trump-double will at least stop fibbing and making his daily "I love Putin" confessions, that what turns people off."

Vovchik: "Dmitriy, you are just jealous, and besides that, it is obvious that you didn't have a proper KGB training like me. They will block those microwaves easily, they already do. And they will flip him over, they always do. And besides, those "love confessions", as you call it, is the best part of his campaign, at least the most sincere one. We always had some strong attraction to each other. Although it wouldn't hurt, if he lost some weight.
Can you imagine this, Hillary accused us of a "horseplay"! What kind of innuendo is this? Just listen to it: "Donald really is as healthy as a horse – you know, the one that Vladimir Putin rides around on." "Horseplay"? It would look more like a "hog play"!
Oh, yeah, put some lipstick on that pig! Women always do that.
We should have met some thirty years ago when I was on my spying trip in New York, in some gay club or something, I remember, it was called "Studio 54". I liked it. Maybe, we could've built a stable relationship. But it's too late now."

"Vladimir Vladimirovich!" Dima blushed in anger. "I thought that the two of us have a stable relationship!"

"Don't get all worked up over it, Dima", said Vovchik. "With you, it's purely Platonic, we are like Batman and Robin. With him, it would be romantic, but most importantly, a part of my job. It is always a double mint gum when you do it for business. But it's all over now, I am so disgusted with that fat blob, I can't even look at him. He self-destructed the whole operation and compromised us all. I cannot deal with that loser. Now he is toxic and untouchable. The best thing we can do with him is to get him to form his own party. We will call it "The United People Front - USA", just like our Russian United Front, it will be our sister party. But even this will not save the situation. We have to find a strategic solution."

"What solution?" Dima scratched his head and looked lost and confused.

Vovchik: "I know what solution. I have to resign, and you will have to take over."

"Vladimir Vladimirovich!" Dima froze in horror and started to feel panicky.

"Yes, Dima, I will have to resign, and you will have to take over", Vovchik repeated resolutely. "I have to throw myself to the vultures. I have to sacrifice myself for our Mother Russia, nothing less is expected of me. I have to do it. This will be my last good-bye present for her. I will retire, go to America and help that orange-ass moron to start our new communist, or, s**t, strike it out, common party. Or he will botch this job without me too."

Dima: "You cannot do this, Vladimir Vladimirovich. They will arrest you there as a war criminal. And then they will get us all. We cannot afford to pay the American lawyers, they are very expensive."

Vovchik: "We have to do this, Dima. We have to take these risks. If you don't take risks, you don't drink Champaign. And I still have some nice vintage bottles left in my Crimean cellars. I want to uncork them with Donald after our victory, just like we did with Silvio. No pain, no gain. And gain we will, by the hook or by the crook, or both. I'll show them the "color revolutions"! They will have their black-and-white devolution! Trust me, Dima. They said I was meddling. They haven't seen any of my meddlings yet. I'll show them the Kuzka's mother!

There will be the lessons to learn from this affair for all of us."

End of Transcript

Fair Use Disclosure Statement:
In response to some unsubstantiated rumors, we emphatically deny that this article is based on the leaked NSA recordings.

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